what i wore today:
geometric print dress:forever
brown bubble jacket:forever
my fave blk tights:urban
slit-cut brown heels:we who see
mood:pathetic at best.
feeling:really shitty.slightly grinning though.
event:a very simple presentation that became
more complex than relized.
I came to a relization today. I'm a writer, not a performer. I can write a million pages about my life, my interests, my friends and family but I can't seem to let those words form together to create an elaborate model and then present them to a group of people. It's just not me. I'm a scared little girl. I thought I was stronger than that. I don't know anymore...
It was Rei Kawakubo's "Body meets Dress;Dress meets body" 1997 spring/summer collection. I wrote an 8 page essay on it, poster board and a speech. the whole fucking 9 yards. I thought i was prepared. The day came for the class in which i had to present it in.
I hate to say this but serious. EPIC FAIL.
no lie! I got up and wrote my name on the board and my artist (Kawakubo). I started off okay then I started to shake violently. You could hear the poster board moving. My voice started to quiver like i was going to cry or throw up some sort of monstrosity that i like to call "stage freight". The words drifted off my page, they fell of my lips in a disgusting manner, I lost my spot.
I became nervous and distraught.
I pretended I had a bad cough coming on and dropped the poster, then abruptly left class.
It was a bloodbath.seriously. I started to force myself to cough like I was gonna hack up an organ or something! some sort of living thing inside of me (my anxiety most likely, taking form of mucus-ewww). I rsan to the bathroom and freaked out. I cried a little. I called a friend, no anwser. I called my significant other. nothing. I called my roommate. Thankfully she anwsered and calmed me down. She convinced me to walk back in there and continue my presentation. So i took a few deep breaths, reminded myself I wasn't going to let this be an other "2007 leaving sf because i'm way too embarressed about my shitty presentation skills" moment. I told myself I'm a strong woman, a woman of power and conviction. I could do this!
I walked in, apologized for my cough and then I continued off where i left it.
I began to become nervous again, I was going to cry in front of all of them, so I ended it quickly with no quotes or conclusion. Just ended it. It was ugly. During break, I started to smoke (which i recently quit), so i almost forgot how long the cigarette was since it's been so long and i burnt my knee! not only my knee but i was wearing my favorite black stockings, burnt a hole right through them! yeah, horrible....i know.
Later on in class, a classmate (who remains un-named) expressed his gratitude of my presentation, saying "i think wendy's presentation was great and she clarified very well her art piece through the poster board and pointing out the objective of the artist's message....". It made me feel slightly better.
Then after class he told me "i like your shoes" (he always complements my heels) and told me how much he liked my presentation. I suddenly felt that life wasn't completely over. I'm glad I walked in there with a false sense of pride and finished what I started. It was empowering.
"You can do anything you want to do, because you're strong in your mind." -Charles Manson (weird right?hahah)
^_^
